Yo Fish, I Heard You Like Recaps

So I took clips of your clip show, so you can have scraps of recaps! (Thank you, 2007.)

What a hyperactive blur of non-sequiturs and sparkly nonsense. There were dubiously target-demographic-relatable football metaphors!

Willam cohosted with a pigeon!

They sopped up Latrice!

RuPaul taught us how to hide our carrots!

Jinkx gave us a new ringtone!

JinkxTradeTRADE

"Trade! TRADE! Come here and sit on my face, bitch!" You're welcome, hunties.

Biggest bummer: No audition videos! I live for audition videos. I could do an entire episode of just audition videos. I was hoping for a whole segment called "Alaska: A Five-Year Casting Retrospective."

Favorite bits: the RuPaul Roast outtakes, the rundown of Drag Queen Musical Ventures, the inclusion of fan art and recappers (whose dick do I need to hire Willam to suck if I want to be included next year?), and the introduction of the new-to-us Alyssa-ism of "Not on tonight!"

Oh, and the video for "The Beginning." What bizarre shinanigans!

As far as I can tell, the plot is this: Alaska, Jinkx, and Roxxxy go for a breezy desert ride, until Alaska crashes the car and they all die.

They wake up in Gay Heaven, where all the cameras have Vaseline and nobody's #Chiffonography has to be synchronized to anybody else's! RuPaul dances a greeting, and they watch their trials from the acid-magenta clouds: apparently, they're being tried for their own vehicular manslaughter. Children, this is what happens when you drink until the drag queens look like real girls. Eventually, this Kanga-Ru Court convicts everybody to Tuckahoe State Prison for Ladies, where their mugshots were seemingly used for the Top Three Profile segments that ran earlier in the show.

Or something. If you were able to make any goddamn sense of the video, please explain it to me.

So that's almost our season! In real-time, this Tuesday afternoon, the entire Season Five cast is gathering in Los Angeles, and they're taping the reunion and all four crownings tomorrow afternoon. Yes, four: in addition to Miss Congeniality, they'll film all three of Alaska, Jinkx, and Roxxxy being crowned the winner, and nobody (even the queens themselves) will know the true winner until the Monday night finale broadcast. Which means that in less than twenty-four hours, we'll have already crowned Schrödinger's Next Drag Superstar!

I took this photo last night, at the Atlanta RuPaul's Drag Race viewing party at Blake's. (Clock my amazing tacky-ass race-flag nails, by the way.) Here's my official final-vote alliance, via the awesome Team Buttons they gave us:

I truly cannot choose. I hate giving the pageant answer, but I want two crowns. I'll be happy either way.

I know this is hella premature, but perhaps because I'm already satisfied with the conclusion of Season Five, I must admit: I'm already really, really excited about Season Six. (You've read my Season Six casting endorsement, right?) I do have a hope for the editing on Season Six, though. I don't want this Top Three:

The young, unconnected, genius-misfit ingenue whose winning streak baffles the other queens,
The dagger-tongued villain, whose tragic childhood doesn't quite excuse the shade she throws at the oddball ingenue, and
Their mutual friend, the older-sister voice of reason, well-connected in the drag community and an excellent queen in her own right, who provides a diplomatic bridge among the Top Three.

Because those finalists? We did that in Seasons Four and Five. It didn't have to be that way: Jinkx's meek-bullied-odd-duck edit felt increasingly forced as the season progressed (and the queens, including Jinkx, have all said that Jinkx wasn't nearly as timid as she was made to look), and while Roxxxy did lash out, she apologized for each attack over and over, during filming and during broadcast. And yet, we got the Jinkx-the-protagonist, Alaska-the-big-sister, Roxxxy-the-villain edit to this season's endgame.

(Of course, if Jinkx wins on Monday night, Alaska's chances of winning All Stars Season Two look very good.)

I don't want a protagonist in Season Six. When I first watched Season Three, it wasn't my favorite, but I've come to appreciate the lack of protagonist-narrative it had. Of course, Jinkx (and Sharon) didn't choose their edits, didn't cast themselves as the protagonists of their seasons--but their actions and antics that ran counter to the edits chosen for them were left on the cutting room floor. I hope that Season Six doesn't have to be this way: the show will benefit from allowing more of the whole-people of the queens to show, and while that might make the producers' jobs more complicated, it would also make the show more interesting.

Okay, my stilettos are punching holes through the top of this soapbox. Anyway. I'm hella excited for the national game of Where's Waldo? we'll get to play this summer, when a dozen-or-so drag queens quietly disappear from their regular gigs for a couple months (you guys will help me figure out who's gone missing, right?). And I'm looking forward to finding out the official cast list, and watching dozens of grainy bar-performance videos on YouTube and guessing who's the most sick'ning of the bunch. And although I'm going to keep this blog active after Season Five is over, I'm really, really looking forward to watching the first Season Six queen strut through those big pink werkroom doors in January.

That's it for this week! Give me quantifiable validation on Facebook and Twitter (do you like me? Or do you Like-button-me-like-me? I hope you Like me!), and stay tuned: the season's almost over, but we're not done here yet, darlings!

Comments

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Awww, I feel sad that this season's over! I've had so much fun with your recaps and this blog, and you do an amazing job! Thanks for letting us play in your sandbox, hunty! Xo!

Posted by: Lisa | 04/30/2013 at 08:41 PM

Love it. Love you. Love all around.

And yeah... I want a top three where everyone is being helpful and keep throwing the judges for a loop as queens go "well, you love the hair but it was really this awesome-faced lady who spent an hour and a can of aquanet..." "and my makeup improvements that you adore was the result of this beehive-for-the-gods-bewigged consultation..." "And I wouldn't have been able to put together this outfit that's making you gag if they both hadn't come over with samples of their wardrobe to tie it (and the corset) all together..."

Posted by: epilonious | 05/01/2013 at 07:40 AM