It's the end of werkroom days. No more wacky mini-challenges, no more racing to the supplies table or jostling at the make-up mirror, no more hoping to not lip synch. It's the music video. It's the victory lap. It's the Final Three.
As we bid adieu to Detox's waggling Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker, the queens do the math. What a difference a single challenge makes: Jinkx's record-breaking eight-week run of highs and wins has ended in her first Lip Synch For Your Life. Meanwhile, Alaska's timely victory has secured a three-way tie for challenge wins, and Alaska is the only finalist who hasn't lip synched. The momentum is potentially meaningful: except for Manila, every queen who's won the Top Four Ball Challenge went on to win her season of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Pictured: by some measures, your eleventh-hour frontrunner.
Roll credits! Top Three Fantasy, Top Three Fantasy! Our finalists dance into the werkroom, and Ro and Laska have notes from Tox.
Not that Detox owed Jinkx a note, but it still feels like a snub: no note for Jinkxy.
nb: Detox has been diligent about answering tweets over the last couple weeks, but when I asked her if some shady producer had stolen/hidden her note to Jinkx, she didn't reply, and I couldn't find any fuss about it elsewhere on her Twitter timeline either. I'd been wondering if the missing note was part of the Jinkx-the-Protagonist edit, but it's probably safe to say that Detox genuinely didn't leave anything for Jinkx.
Oooh, girl. It's your very last SheMail, and it comes with Michelle Visage!
The video this year will be "The Beginning," and before the final runway, the queens will meet with Gloria Allred and have their time-honored Tic Tac lunch with RuPaul herself. Don't fuck it up!
Michelle trades out with choreographer Candis Cayne, who introduces us to #Chiffonography. (I maintain that #Chiffonography is correctly spelled with the hashtag.)
In the most predictable failing since Coco started slapping Tang on Horchata, Alaska still can't dance. Say, isn't Abby Lee Miller a fan of the show, and isn't her studio in Pittsburgh? It might be time for a weekend werkshop with the Haus of Haunt.
Thankfully, we move on to #Candisography's next segment. Roxxxy knows how to werk a wind machine, but Alaska and Jinkx struggle, and the post-production editors treat us to a hilarious woodchipper sound effect as Jinkx whips her wig into the fan.
There's no time to fish Jinkx's hair out of the fan, because we're moving on to the music video shoot! It feels like an homage to To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar initially, until Mathu Andersen tells the girls that they're "going to fly to heaven." They even see RuPaul in the clouds!
Hermione, Harry, and Ron chase the train to Hogwarts fabulously.
(There wasn't a flying car in To Wong Foo, was there? Last time I saw that movie, it was college and I was drunk.)
We're treated to highlights of Roxxxy and Jinkx's wigs tangling, and Jinkx having an adorable narcoleptic-at-the-wheel moment.
Does Absolut make a helium-and-speed cocktail? Because the next portion of the video shoot is, as Mathu Andersen put it, chipmunkery.
#Karaokraphy
We watch Roxxxy nail it--she definitely chose the best hair for this out of the three of them--and Alaska ultimately succeeds as well. We're not shown any of Jinkx's chipmunkery at all, which leads me to believe that her performance was on-point too--if she'd struggled, they would have shown it.
Finally, it's time to film the dreaded dancing, and although we see a few moments of Alaska making mistakes, I'm convinced she pulled it together quickly and the #Chiffonography worked itself out for all three queens. Why? Because we skipped one of my favorite schadenfreude moments of every season: Mathu Andersen freaking out with exasperation during the video shoot.
Humor my unkindness for a moment, but some people are really funny when they're pissed off, and Mathu Andersen is one of them. Remember this episode from seasons 3 and 4: he can be a mean old queen with zero tolerance for fuckery on these video
shoots, and anybody who screws up can go straight to gay hell, so far as
he's concerned. If Mathu Andersen and Mike Ruiz are bookend challenges
to the entire season, then Mike Ruiz is the tutorial level and Mathu
Andersen is the final boss battle. This year, though, all three queens avoid Mathu's wrath, so I look forward to seeing Alaska's perfect #Chiffonography when they release the final video.
How amazing is Gloria Allred, hunties, and how amazing was she with the queens? All of the amazing, that's how amazing. I loved Alaska, in her confessional, introducing her with a tone of reverence typically reserved for people who came out of Cher's vagina. Ladies, take note of Gloria Allred: this is executive realness.
There better not be any bullshit.
She has no patience for wishy-washy answers and "pageant babble," as she eloguently puts it. "As the kids would say, keep it real. Do you think you can do that?" Gloria Allred keeps it real, chiding Alaska and Roxxxy for imprecise answers and Jinkx for avoiding reading the other queens. I want her to be my terrifying, impossible-to-please mentor. Actually, I want to make a thousand clones of her and make everybody answer to her every once in a while. It would be a bit like getting sent to the principal's office, but we'd all be better for it, right?
Meanwhile, the Tic Tac Luncheons are underway with RuPaul. I always love seeing the queens gag on being that close to Ru when she's in full drag: even after weeks of being up-close-and-personal with boy-RuPaul, and in the same room as her during judging, there's still a wonderfully jazzed energy that each queen brings to her lunch date. RuPaul has an amazing way of setting people at-ease, though, and all three lunches are great for the queens.
We watch Jinkx's first, and Jinkx presents herself swimmingly well, discussing her Broadway aspirations (RuPaul suggests the character of Blanche DuBois) and rocky childhood. Jinkx reflects that perhaps she plays an older character because she missed out on the typical childhood/teenager experience; her drag character is a mother because she'd been in a parental role to her brothers for years. On a sidenote: at Tuesday's Elimination Lunch (which I recapped here), Jinkx gave an update on her family situation: she and her mother "have had a lot of intense conversations" since the show began airing, but that it's brought her family back together--her mother and aunt are speaking again, her youngest brother is doing better, etc. RuPaul's Drag Race: helping families heal since 2009.
Alaska's is next, and she talks about her potential to be "the Kate Middleton of drag," as well as her fear of death. We're treated to a sweet montage of Alaska/Sharon photos while Alaska cries a little, and RuPaul advocates living in the moment. She tells Alaska how proud she is of her, and calls her "sweetheart," and my heart is full. <3
Roxxxy's tee-shirt breaks the fourth wall.
During her lunch, Roxxxy pitches for the big girls. RuPaul calls her an amazing queen, and ...that's all. This editing is officially no longer even trying to be fair, because while we got sweet, personal moments with Alaska and Jinkx, Roxxxy's Tic Tac Luncheon segment is shorter and much less personal. I've told you everything that we saw. Dear Roxxxy: it sucks that you've painted yourself into this corner, gurl. Good luck on All-Stars.
Back from commercial, and all rise! Order in the courtroom, hunties!
Without much elaboration, Roxxxy describes her witness and prosecutor
as "a bitch," and struggles with all three roles. Honestly, her
frustration is understandable: in past seasons' music videos, all the
queens had to do for this segment was pout and stamp a bit, then get
slapped by RuPaul. By comparison, this is some ten-seconds-on-the-clock
Snatch Game Redux action.
Jinkx's characters are great: I loved the mannerisms of her saucy-dish witness and her Wife of Foghorn Leghorn defense attorney.
Alaska was cute too. I loved all three of her very-distinct voices, her trampy little witness was priceless, and I lived for her "We want the T, schtupid!" interaction with Jinkx.
By the way, you need this GIF in your life: Roxxxy's cloud of spittle, floating across the nonplussed visage of Mathu Andersen.
#Mistography
It's lucky that somebody dropped a Xanax in Mathu's coffee this year, because he was very sweet and diplomatic with the increasingly-frustrated Roxxxy. Watching Roxxxy punch Mathu would've gilded the lily on her edit, right?
All three queens are drained after the long day of filming, and Roxxxy lashes out at Alaska and Jinkx. Listening to her words, it's clear that her frustration is more with the competition challenges themselves than with her competitors, but the only people available for screaming-at are Jinkx and Alaska, so they bear the brunt of her anger.
Roxxxy's not exactly wrong, by the way. There is a rhythm to each season of RuPaul's Drag Race, types of challenges that, when categorized, come up semi-predictably each season. This season, in the challenges between the Snatch Game and the amateur make-overs, there was an extra comedy challenge where, in past years, there's been a costuming challenge instead. And, if we're being honest, this courtroom scene was effectively an entire challenge's worth of comedy by itself. Every season is a little different, though--Season Two had two fewer comedy challenges than the other seasons; Season Three had one extra costuming challenge--and it's Roxxxy's poor luck that Season Five was the comedy-heavy season. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but her frustration with this season isn't coming from a completely unfounded place.
Anyway. She goes to bed angry, we go to commercial, and when we come back, it's the Last Day Ever in the werkroom!
I wish we got an entire Final Morning segment that was just "Look at what I brought but never got to wear!"
Roxxxy is still bitter about the amount of comedy in the competition, implying that Jinkx, Alaska, and RuPaul's Drag Race itself are making fun of drag in a way that demeans the art of drag. Jinkx is the defense counsel, explaining that she takes comedy, and the art of comedy in drag, very seriously. (Fun fact: Jinkx and Alaska both have BFAs in theater. Nobody has a degree in mocking their own profession, thank you very much.) In her confessional, Alaska is the voice of cooler heads prevailing; effectively, her stance is "Oh, that incorrigible pageant queen Roxxxy! What a hoot."
Pictured: the gulf between Roxxxy and Jinkx.
Roxxxy's teeth really come out, though, when Jinkx asks, "What has been your favorite moment throughout this competition?" and Roxxxy replies, "Seeing you in the bottom two." In confessional, she cops to the head game: she's trying to upset Jinkx, and it works. I'd be upset too--anybody would.
When Jinkx replies, "It doesn't make me feel good, to talk to other people the way you talk to me sometimes," Roxxxy can't help herself, laying out the narrative for God and everybody: "I know, you're the victim, everybody hates you and nobody gets you." Jinkx replies strongly, insisting that she's not anybody's victim and reminding Roxxxy that she's done well in the competition. It's absolutely true, for Jerick-the-actual-person, but the producers have been building the narrative of Jinkx-the-bullied-odd-duck all season, and Roxxxy spelling it out iced the cake. (Yes, Roxxxy's been apologizing for this non-stop; if you didn't read it before, the details are in my recap of their Elimination Lunch together.)
And on that note, we say goodbye to the werkroom until 2014. Hey, mama!
Best Breasts on Panel awarded to Michelle Visage. Check out that tacky necklace!
I really should think of an award Santino could potentially win each week. Most Smitten With RuPaul? Anyway, my favorite mooning clownfucker is looking very handsome tonight.
Commence.
Shake.
DOWN.
I refuse to nitpick. All three queens look stunning.
The critiques are, overall, positive. Santino, in particular, gives all three queens the compliments they've wanted to hear all season: Roxxxy exudes sex appeal, Jinkx's paint looks amazing and she moves like she knows she's beautiful, and while Alaska had a lot to live up to, she now stands as her own queen, not in anybody's shadow. Atta boy, Santino.
And now... I'm sorry my dears, but you are up for extermination...
because the time has come... for you to defend... your life!
Roxxxy speaks first, and she makes the case that she has a grace, beauty, and professionalism that Jinkx and Alaska lack. She wants to be a role model as a thick and juicy girl, and she's proud of her body and her drag. It's a fine speech, but she's also lucky she went first and didn't have to follow either of the other two.
Jinkx lays out her narrative: she grew up an outcast from a troubled home, and drag helped her come to life on stage. She discusses her growth through the competition, and ends with her "Water off a duck's back" catchphrase. It's touching and, not to be crass, it's expertly crafted: I'm not coming for Jinkx when I say that she knows exactly what she's laying out, and similar speeches have won this competition before.
And then, it's Alaska's turn, and she turns the Star Power Firehouse on full-blast, skipping Roxxxy and Jinkx's conversational tone for a much more dramatic delivery. She reads down Roxxxy and Jinkx for their Sugar Ball mishaps, then hits a rhythm of trash to treasure, tragic to magic, and hunties, do not forget that she's the only one who hasn't been in the Bottom Two.
Alaska Thunderfuck: Sharing Responsibility for the Crown of America's Next Drag Superstar.
The judges deliberate, but we know that at this point, it doesn't matter: nobody is being eliminated, and America is going to choose its winner. The queens come back, and for the first time this season, we're given a glimpse of this year's crown. It gets more gorgeous every year, doesn't it?
Like Season Four, all three queens will perform the final Lip Synch For Your Life.
This is the beginning of the rest of your life.
And then, RuPaul lets us know: get on every social media site you can think of, and let your #TeamJinkx and #TeamAlaska flags fly, because this isn't a vote, it's a cheering contest.
Friends: that's our season! We have the clip show next week (which will include this week's skipped Untucked), and on May 6, we'll have the Finale, a reunion and crowning.
I have some thoughts about this season that I'm brewing for another post, but for now, I'd like to direct your attention to the Bad Hessian blog, where Alex Hanna has been doing fascinating statistical work on RuPaul's Drag Race results. While I've been doing addition on my fingers, Alex (aka Kate Silver, hunties) has applied mathematical rigor to the process, and his most recent post analyzes the Twitter traction the finalists are getting. He's got more analysis coming, and I'm living for what he's put together. Check him out!
Okay, sound off: did this episode change your mind on anybody? Do you think this year's winner is a foregone conclusion, or is there still a race on? Hit me up on Twitter and Facebook, and stay tuned, darlings.